o.o its been a little over 3 months haha wow.. guess i've been busier than i thought. Alot has gone on that ill explain within the days but im tired so im gunna head to bed.

Oooh here's an update pic =]

http://img262.imageshack.us/my.php?image=digicam284bw1.jpg
http://img261.imageshack.us/my.php?image=digicam219zk9.jpg

Gnight

yep, haha its been a while since ive posted but i've been so busy as of late its been hard getting time to myself. though i enjoy hanging out with everyone and being at work ive just been wrapped up in my anorexia thats its been pretty much killing my life. I've been seeing a therapist, her name is carol and shes really cool. they want me at 118 but i dunno.. i passed 100 yesterday and i just broke down. im not ready to get recovery. they seem to be forcing it on me too fast but i dunno .. carol says shes only doing it because im so close to hospitalization. she says if i drop below 95 shes going to have to refer me.. which sucks so yeah.. but i dont want food being pushed down my throat..

im doing a fast with a girl named dani who i met through pro ana. she seems really cool so we're gunna see how long we can fast for. Which is gunna be really hard >< cause i have a weigh in tomorrow night and then i go to mikey's house on wednesday. his dad is gunna wanna go out to eat so ill prolly just say that i ate in the airport. mikeys mom knows about my ed so itll be hard to get passed her. but hopefully ill be able to do it. buuuut its about 1:15 and i gotta head to bed cause i have work at 11am :[

ill update tomorrow. nighty night!

Its summer.. Time for the Short fucking skirts and boobs busting out of the shirt shirts..


fuck this shit i'm barricading myself inside my house till winter again -.-

i need some sort of alchohalic beverage or some drugs. I hate fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucking summer.

ps mikey and i are in the ditch again, who woulda figured :\

Things are finally looking up for once. Me and Mikey had a nice long talk about things and after tears, laughs, and loves :] we're back to normal. I guess its just I get so lonely i don't know what to do so I take it out on the person i love the most. Who, coincidentally, was hurting me the most. He's doing better now with talking to me, I just hope it stays like this. I love this boy more than my entire life and we're gonna be together forever. No matter what anyone says.We're hoping to see each other soon, maybe for our 2 year anniversary :D i gotta think of something to get him.

On another matter, i went to the therapist today, she was nice surprisingly. i go again on the 2nd so that lets me think about what i wanna do about this. I was prescribed ( i don't know how you can prescribe one of these but oh well ) a dietitian. I don't know when i go for that but then i have a dentist appointment on Thursday. to get the root canal i had done fixed when the crown fell out in fucking AUGUST. oh well, at least it wont hurt, i hope.

I have to pee so I'm gonna go, I'll update later.

wanna hear the word food again, EVER.

that its pretty much over. If he cant put in 110% like i am.. I don't know... I guess I'll hold on and just keep beating myself up some more till he gets settled into his new house.


He puts his friends before me.. and i think thats why I'm hurting the most.. I laid down and thought about it and thats when i started crying, He chooses them over me and I never chose my friends over him, if he'd call I'd answer, I'd call him if he didn't call me if i was with my friends. I'm just a burden to him and I'm just realizing that now.I'm not gonna call him anymore, I'm not gonna text him or aim him, nothing. If he wants to be so gracious as to give me some of his precious time then I'll be happy, even if its a fake smile, I'll still wear it.
I just hope it lasts. Because I'm so close to just breaking down and crashing it's unreal.


Mom says I should tell him to straighten up or we're done. But I told her that he knows I can't leave him, even if i did threaten him with our relationship. I also told her he wouldn't care, that he would just say O.k and leave.. he could find someone so much better, prettier, closer.. He'd give me up in a heartbeat. Thats another thing that just brings me even closer to the edge.

I was so upset i had like 4 cookies and some Chinese food, ugh... so much walking to do tomorrow. I think I'm gonna start biking actually, I'm gonna try that out and see how it goes.

Guess I'm gonna go to bed. Its 1am and theres nothing else to do, or wait up for.
hopefully he'll realize it soon.. hopefully.

I just ... can't.



I love him to death, and he doesn't see how much it hurts. How can he stand seeing me in so much pain? Does he even know I'm upset? Does he care? I'm incapable of leaving him, no matter how hurt and destroyed i feel i love him i guess I'll just be miserable the rest of my life for him. I'm already going to be giving up my whole life here just to live with him because he doesn't want to leave his friends, so its automatically o.k for me to leave my family and friends.
I'm crying for some reason, I need a cigarette and I need to sleep or something I cant think about this stuff anymore, I hate it.

I'm fasting from the 17th till the 20th. I've eaten so much i feel like a whale. And also fasting makes me feel better when i have problems with Mikey, i don't know why but it does. My goal is 97 then 95 then 90 I don't care what anyone says. Because surely if you can't call to see how I am you sure as hell don't care whats wrong with me, mentally or psychically.

So I'm just typing this in between questions, I've been doing so much school work lately i feel like ripping my book in half.. but thats not really why I'm making this.


As of late I've felt so much pain and anger that could be so easily avoided with a phone call or an answer, yes, I'm sure you all know where I'm going with this, but wow people... This is like, the millionth time it's happened and I'm just getting so crushed over it. It's like i was a whole stone, and someone just kept hitting me with a hammer and after I've already been turned into dust, they wanna see if i can evaporate into anything more. I don't really know how else to put it. I'm at my limit and i almost flipped out on him, I told him i don't care what he does anymore, i don't care who he's with, what he's doing, WHO he's doing.. I just don't care. Yes, i still get mad, Yes, I wish i could just seriously not care. but i have no idea what else to do. It just doesn't go through his head how much this hurts me. And theres absolutely nothing he can do about it, suppose ably. Since his phone doesn't get reception. Then he yelled at me one night because i keep harping on him about his GED, which he was supposed to probably of taken today, but hasn't. And also that he doesn't have a job. He just moved, he's closer to places, In my opinion he needs to buy a bike or something and just bike to CVS or McDonald's or something and get applications. But anyways, getting back on track to what i was talking about. It's like nothing changes, ever. He says he'll try harder then the next day he's back to doing what he was. All he really does anymore is gets high and hangs out with fonz, bagner, and choms. probably other people too but no one tells me anything so I don't know. All i really ask for is a call here and there. not just a text that says hi babe and i say hi back, or ask whats up and then 2 hours later i get a response with ' nothing ' It just infuriates me that I'm at work and he can hang out with his friends whenever he pleases and he has no obligations to anyone or anything while I have school, i have a job, i pay for my own shit and my cell phone bill and things i want, I clean the whole house almost every day without asking anything in return of my parents, or to go to his place and everything! I barely get paid $200 every 2 weeks and i bust out 35-45 hours every 2 weeks at that shitty job. And I'm expected to keep up with school and get my drivers permit and buy my computer and keep paying my cell phone bill in which i still owe money from when i paid for Mikey to come out that one night and get my birds food and if they need a vet visit and get gifts for peoples birthday or just if i see something nice i think they'd like and i pick it up for them I never get anything back its not that i want anything, its really just the thought..... UGH! Then on his side he gets mostly anything he wants. I HATE BEING POOR I hate my job i hate my school i hate EVERYTHING that has to do with my life ( mostly ). I cant even save money because theres shit i need to buy like my computer, my car, ( even though jess got 2 friggin cars and i don't even get a piece of shit one because we're too poor. )


I seriously just don't know how long i can put up with everything. He probably thinks I'm overreacting but if he was me i don't think he could handle it. I don't even know how i do it some times.



..i need to go on a walk y_y; I cant wait till 9 when i go out, other than that i have about 21 things i need to do today and i need some sleep or I'm just gonna snap on something, or some one.

So i havent updated in a while, my computer messed up completely so i just wiped the drive, took 2-3 days to get it on its feet again. I'm getting an Imac when i get the money, im so excited. its about $1,200 but im hoping if i just keep saving i'll be able to get the bigger monitor one. its a 20inch flat panel imac with 250GB hard drive space and a 2 gig memory. its beautiful heres a picture of it :3 http://www.letsgodigital.org/images/artikelen/64/apple-imac-computer.jpg . isnt it beautiful :D thats the whole computer too, everything is packed into the monitor. ^______________^ Eeeeeeeee... Anyways

I'm doing a bunch of school work right now and around 7 ish im gunna go walking, i would go now but my head kinda hurts for some reason, also my stomach does too. I think i astablished the chew&spit method. it was weird at first but now im used to it. As for that i went to the UPMC in pittsburgh and they suggested me being an in-patient but they said they'd call us and suggest other things too.

I gave up on mikey basically, im done trying to figure out where he's at or who he's with cause he never answers the phone so i just said fuck it and i dont care anymore. Oh well i guess its better this way. I'm just curious to see how long i last before i just go nuts and break something. I had another dream about him cheating on me. I looked it up and it said this :

To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you, indicates your fears of being abandoned. You may feel a lack of attention in the relationship. Alternatively, you may feel that you are not measuring up to the expectations of others. This notion may stem from issues of trust or self-esteem. The dream could also indicate that you are unconsciously picking up hints and cues that your significant other is not being completely truth or is not fully committed in the relationship.


the Lack of attention in the relationship is basically true. this is the 2nd time i had a dream of me catching him having sex with another girl and he wasnt really paying attention to me last time either when i dreamt of it. The chick was ugly and fat too, so i kicked him in the dick and i beat the shit out of her, like seriously i think she was dead and i just walked out and left him and her alone, i hope she was dead. I woke up crying a little after i had washed off the blood from my hands but before i woke up i looked up from washing my hands and i saw a raven sitting right next to me, i looked at me and cawed and then i woke up. i looked it up also and it said:

To see a raven in your dream, symbolizes betrayal, disharmony, misfortune, and death.

Little weird... but yeah. :\ I do need to get back to doing school but i'll update later

i'm back under 100

this morning i was 99.6 THANK YOU.
It was probably due to all the stupid stress in the past 2 days that made me unhungry.
I didnt eat yesterday and im gunna go for today too, that would be lovely. I supposeably had to work today and i wasnt aware of it so that kinda set me off in a bad mood to start but now im gunna go brush my teeth, get dressed, and go on a walk because when i come back i have a bunch of school work to do.


just thought id let you know the good news, i wont even start on the bad.

I got my period, which is odd.. but good i guess. Its been about 2 months since i've had it.


101.4 ..its improvement.

So absolutely everything has pissed me off to some extent today/yesterday whatever. i was perfectly fine at work. i get really excited and want to do stuff while im there. I had my little pedometer for fun to see how many 'calories' i'd burn that day, it ended up being like 245 ish so i was excited. i was fine till mikey didnt answer his phone after i called like a million times, took him 40 minutes to respond to one message, a ton of other stuff but then i started getting irritated. i got in an icky mood and went home. the only good thing was that me and mom are gunna rent movies on friday and watch them, she said we're getting chips and dip which im so not happy about so i think im gunna fast tomorrow and thursday to make up for it. hopefully im at least down a pound tomorrow morning, who knows with that stupid sandwich earlier -.- i wish i could make myself puke. just so i know i could when i needed to. but no, i know that i cant which means if i slip or make a stupid mistake i cant do anything but work my ass off for the next 9 hours to get rid of it. speaking of which i should be exercising. ANYWAYS I WAS GETTING OFF TRACK. So after i got home it was one thing after another. came home, couldnt get heroes to install, felt like i broke the left side of my hip hitting it against the door frame, bouncing off and slamming my other side of my hip of the fucking door knob. after that i ate and felt disgusting as usual my stomach is still full and i should go exercise. Mikey said he'd call me in like 20 minutes ,i texted him an HOUR later...no response, 10 minutes later i called him, "lemme call you back i need to do this" he called back then we didnt even talk for 5 minutes till he wanted to talk to me on aim instead of the phone. 9.9. .okay..... then stupid quests in wow were being gay, we discussed him being lazy and how we're going to have no money in the future then i asked ( basically told but oh well im irritated ) him to help me with a quest and as soon as i mention it " Im tired my eyes hurt im dizzy i think im gunna go to bed " >.>... we talk for like 15 more minutes then i fail the quest again, ask him again " Im tired im going to bed, ill do it tomorrow" when i know he wont help me tomorrow. I told him whatever good night and i logged off. mom says never go to bed angry but god damn i need an exception here this is retardedddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd. Speaking of tomorrow after school which i start at 11am till 2pm when its already 3:30am im going driving for an hour then going straight to work then who knows what the hell im doing. i did some school work today. i need to get a ton more done.. im going to fail so hard... lol... what else is new. theres nothing i've ever been good at. ever. not once. well, im done venting for the moment im sure ill think of other shit to bitch about. ill post later on.

Wow.





I'm fucking disgusting.




And i keep doing it.




why?




Because i'm fat.

and i know it.










STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP EATINNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Why do i do this to myself, my stomach is full over a peice of bread and ham. 130 calories in one setting what the fuck. PLUS gatorade. UGH.. I give the fuck up.




If i EVER feel like eating again i will do anything and everything possible to prevent it. And i'm supposed to be going to Kings with Nami on Thursday. Yeah, thats not happening anymore since i cant control my self.

disgusting.

what is wrong with me?

another cry session happened over an even smaller salad at work. i called my mom and asked her to call a doctor or a therapist or something. She said she would tomorrow morning. I dont want help though, i dont know why i asked her for it..

Once we got home i took a bath and then i was gunna eat something with mom, i had a little spagettii and a few peices of chicken. I. Wanted. To. Die. I was shaking and disgusted the whole time, i tried to fill up my stomach with water and chew everything till it felt like disgusting liquid in my mouth. i should have takin more of my pills but i had already takin 5-6 in the day and im trying to cut back from 8-9.


im still 102.6... no progress since sunday, and im pissed. nothing but water today and maybe a bite or two of salad if i dont think about it today.




on another note.. I think theres two sides of me. My ana side, and my old self side. My ana side over powers me so much and i love it. but my old side is annoying and distracts me from my goals and what i truely want. But now my mom wants me to eat with her every night and i dont wanna. i dont want to eat. ever. never ever ever.


Blagh. Hopefully ill burn some calories and fat at work to make up for last nights shit.

I love losing weight so much. though i went up to a disgusting 106lb from being in Illinois and I'm down to 104 this morning. i took like 6 of my diet pills today and i didn't eat ANYTHING at work :D I'm SO HAPPY! Hopefully i see good results tomorrow! I need to grab more green tea pills i only have one left I'm gonna take probably tomorrow morning when i go up to the mall before i grab mom a mothers day gift and more pills.

Im so determined to get to 95. I WILL do it. I haven't eaten anything since Thursday night and im so proud of myself, it was tough and i almost caved in when i heard Mikey eating chips one night i had him mute the phone and then when i felt my pills kicking in on my thighs i was in heaven and didn't wanna eat shit all. i walked for almost 3 hours yesterday and i should go tomorrow if its nice out.


mm.. i haven't decided if i wanna fast till Monday or Wednesday i work Mon-Wed so i figured wed. I'd take a small salad home. i dunno we'll see how i feel on Monday, i was kinda lightheaded today and a bit shaky but i feel fine now.

I kinda thought about it and i know most ana/mia people keep their ED a secret but i don't even care, its my choice, my body, my disorder. Nothing anyone says will change how i feel about my body and they don't know what i see or what i feel. so fuck anyone who is mad about it. You really wouldn't understand unless you've been there.

Okay, I'm gonna go i have some things to do and i might work out a bit before bed :] I'm in a pretty good mood despite work kinda sucked.


xoxo ^__^